i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
