you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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