Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
