Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize