Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
