the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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