I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
