My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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