Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
