Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
