I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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