remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
