wrigley field is MILF paradise
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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