I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
barbara walters just said penis...
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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