I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
