Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize