guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
