In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Randomize
