So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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