kristin has been a bad kristin
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize