Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
