im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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