New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
