his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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