i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize