I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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