i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
