Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
