Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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