he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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