I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
