I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
