Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
