nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
