remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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