Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
