k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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