i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
