Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
