The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
