Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
