he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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