She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
