Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
