Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
