What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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