Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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