All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize