3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
