and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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