i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
