it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
