omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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