ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
