Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
