My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize