dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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